


No Animals Except Large Mammals

by acciowolfstar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-07-25 08:47:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7526191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acciowolfstar/pseuds/acciowolfstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I answered your weirdly specific craigslist roommate ad as a joke and now we’re living together” au</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Craigslist Ad

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a headcanon where Remus and Sirius meet through Remus' strangely specific craigslist ad _"Seeking roommate, male, 18 and up, introvert, no criminal record, doesn’t have to talk, drug friendly, no animals except large mammals, nice."_ But it turned more into a short fic? I suppose haha.
> 
> *Edit: I realize I've mixed U.S. stuff with U.K. stuff, like the "NSA" comment. I've changed it to fit the idea U.K. :-) Also, while this is an AU, the characters still possess magical abilities but have bled into the muggle world. And of course, Remus is a werewolf and the remaining marauders are all animagi (just for fun reasons rather than for Remus).

“I don’t understand how to maneuver this damn website.” Remus typed angrily at his computer which was open on Craigslist’s roommate advertisement page. His right hand clicked furiously all over the page, bringing up pop-up adds galore. 

A long feminine finger pointed to the screen with a soft voice murmuring directions to a frustrated Remus,

“You click _post_ in the upper right corner, here.” The finger tapped the screen gently. 

“And then what?” He looked up at Lily who hovered over his body which sat in a small beaten up swivel chair. 

“Type!” She bugged her eyes out and threw her hands up in exasperation. 

Remus dragged the seat forward and back again as he nervously input a description for his advertisement. 

_Seeking roommate, male, 18 and up, introvert, no criminal record, doesn’t have to talk, drug friendly, no animals except large mammals, nice._

“God drug friendly Remus? And I don’t understand the mammals, are you..in the house...like?” Lily crossed her arms and a puzzled look sat on her face.

“No, but like, a _precaution._ What if he’s allergic?” He laughed quietly at his joke but Lily just looked confused.

“No one is going to reply to this.”

“Okay I’ll change it in a few days if I don’t receive any offers.” Remus stood up and shrugged his shoulders and pushed out his lower lip. He wasn’t super excited for a roommate to begin with, so waiting a few more days was more than okay. Unfortunately, because he was unable to keep a steady job he had to seek help elsewhere when it came to meeting rent. 

“You’re going to help me pick someone out, right?” 

“Remus, it’s not a dating game show. Besides, I doubt you’re going to have a line up of potential customers, pounding at your door just begging to live with you. Based of your post, I’d be surprised if the MI6 wasn’t already screening you.” 

“Okay first of all, this attitude..wow. Second, it wasn’t even that bad. What’s wrong with being specific?” 

Lily laughed and slung her bag over her shoulder, 

“I’ve got to get going. Let me know if any offers spring up.” She leaned up on her tip toes to give Remus a peck on his scruffy cheek. 

“Yuck, cooties.” He chuckled and watched as she walked out the door.  
He returned to his chair and sat anxiously, waiting for a response. _If you don’t want a roommate, why do you care so much to sit here and wait?_  
Remus stood and went over to the couch and plopped down. _I’ll just sleep and maybe there’ll be some notifications when I wake up._ And with that able to convince him, Remus was out. 

A subtle tone went off on Remus’ laptop but it was enough to wake him from a deep sleep.

“What?” He brought himself up to where he was slouching against the couch cushions. “What time is it?” He rubbed his face and felt as the dry spit, which had collected in the corners of his mouth, moved to his arm, “Disgusting.” He stood and ran his fingers through his bed head. “Shit my ad. It’s had to have been a few hours.” 

Remus threw himself into the desk chair and quickly typed in his login credentials for Craigslist. “Com’on.” His leg shook nervously. _I just need one person, one person or I break the bank this month._

A notification flashed onto the screen,  
_Sirius Black, 18, male, tragically not introverted, happens to like large mammals (sex joke?), here’s my number XXX,XXX,XXXX._

The message was signed with a <3 and followed with more personal contact information but Remus couldn’t get over the fact that someone had replied. _A sex joke, God this bloke is already on my nerves. But you need him Remus._ He inhaled. _Call him._ He exhaled. 

The dial tone filled Remus’ small apartment.

“Sirius Black speaking.”


	2. Forgetting Names

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mentioned this in the notes previously but there's no harm in saying it again :-)  
> While this is an AU, the characters still possess magical abilities but have bled into the muggle world. (The actual use of said abilities will be rare because I wish to focus more on relationships than the environment around them. I hope this makes sense!!! Also I'm afraid of screwing anything up haha) And of course, Remus is a werewolf and the remaining marauders are all animagi (just for fun rebellious reasons rather than for Remus).
> 
>  
> 
> _I realize this is a short chapter of only 300 something words but it works as a transitional phase into more of the plot line. I should be quickly posting chapter three :-)_

“Hello?” Remus’ voice shook making his nervousness apparent right off the bat of the conversation.

“Who is this?” Sirius responded. 

“I um, it’s the guy, from the ad, you know online?” _It’s like you’ve forgotten your bloody fucking name._

“What? Oh, OH! That terrifyingly specific Craigslist ad,” He chuckled, “Yeah mate, I didn’t think it was real. ‘Drug friendly’ I have to say that surprised me.” 

“Wait so the animal thing, didn’t take you aback?”  
“No.” 

It was weird how quickly Sirius had brushed away the animal thing but Remus did not take one second to care. 

“Are you going to tell me your name? Or is this one of those back alley things where you steal my kidney?” Remus’ face froze,

“Relax mate, I can tell this is your first time looking for a roommate and I can practically feel you tense up every time I crack a joke.”

“Yeah,” Remus forced a laugh, “So when do we meet up?”  
“Well things would be easier if I had a name to go off of.” 

“Oh shit yeah, I’m Remus, Remus Lupin.”

“Well Remus Lupin, I’m free this afternoon as of right now. There’s a small cafe about, five minutes walking distance from where you live.”

“How do you know where,”  
“You put your general location on the ad, Remus.”

“Oh yeah, right right.”

Sirius laughed, “Hey, I’ll be there around four. It’s a date?” 

_A date._

“Yeah, I’ll be there around four too.”  
“Thank you Remus Lupin.” 

“Tha-thank you Sirius...Black.” 

Remus quickly clicked his phone off and fell to the floor. _Why was it so hard to talk to him? You haven’t even meet him and you’re already stumbling over words and forgetting your name. And what was the business about saying my full name, and why did my stomach feel...I don’t know._


	3. The One and Only

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this makes up for the 300 word chapter before ;-)

“Okay.. You don’t have to put this much effort into your bloody outfit.” Remus stood in front of his closet, the doors swung wide open. His eyes gazed over his many jumpers and light patterned button ups. Four freshly picked tops had already been discarded onto his bedroom floor. 

“I can’t tell if jumpers seem too casual, or if a button up is too professional and I swear if I call Lily one more time asking questions about this afternoon she’ll flip.” Remus continued to talk aloud to gather his thoughts.

“Alright alright I’ve settled on this blue stitched jumper and these...disgusting,” He held up a pair of unwashed jeans (which were his favorite), “week old trousers.” 

Remus’ looked himself over in the bathroom mirror. _Your hair is a fucking rat’s nest._ He threw a brush in his hair and tried calming the mess that laid up top on his head. _I guess you’re presentable, wait._ He fashioned his bangs over one of his more prominent scars and hair sprayed it until it sat there stiffly. He swung his head around as a security measure. It stayed. 

The clock was only at 3:15. _God that’s so much..time. I’ll just sit here and read for a few minutes then start walking._

Remus curled up on the corner of the couch, his arms pooling over the arm rest with a book in hand. He started on chapter two of his favorite book, _A Farewell to Arms_ ; this was probably his fourth or fifth time re-reading the novel yet every time it felt like the very first. When Remus read he didn’t just look over the letters on the pages and learn the plot and instead, he took in the book. He imagined himself as the narrative and what it must be like, to live another life. He studied characters and subconsciously absorbed them into his own personality. Quite possibly the most notable quirk in Remus’ reading style was that he never hated someone’s arc, because he felt it was shameful to judge someone through only one character’s point of view. He knew what it felt like to be judged by preset stereotypes and so he tried his hardest to forgive those who have been branded. 

The boy began to doze off right before he’d realized the time. _Holy shit it’s 3:50. Fuck, fuck okay he said, five minutes? Okay, get the hell up, go._ He jolted from his comfortable resting position, throwing his book across the room and running for his shoes which sat permanently by the door. He sat himself down quickly and tied the sneakers. _The rabbit has two ears, and you pull it through, and..._

He trailed out the door and down the flat’s stairs. He glanced at his watch, “8 minutes...no problem.” He murmured. 

-

As Remus approached the cafe he slowed from his run to a slow walk in order to avoid breaking out in a heavier sweat and seeming rushed. He neared the corner and pushed the small restaurant doors open. A chime signaling a customer echoed but the ambient noise of others already seated filled the room. 

Remus looked around for what he imagined Sirius Black would look like. _That’s a couple, she’s a girl, that guy is...old._ He sat down at a corner table near the window and placed his hands on the table. _How do I find him? Do I just call out his name?_

Remus was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he didn’t notice the stranger approach his table.

“Remus Lupin?” The voice was deep and melodic but soft all together. 

Remus glanced up from his hands and waved away his thoughts,

“Ye-yes.” The face of a dark skinned, youthful man looked back at him. His hair sat below his shoulders and it shined a rich sable color. 

“Mind if I sit?” The stranger’s lips pulled in the corner. 

Remus nodded. 

“I’m Sirius-”  
“Sirius Black.”

“The one and only.”

“How did you know it was me?”

“Sweaty forehead. No one runs to a coffee shop unless they’re late for their date.” Sirius smirked but Remus blushed and slouched in his seat. 

“I’ve got to say, you’re not what I expected” Sirius continued, noticing Remus’ lack of speech. 

“How so?” Remus spoke up.

“Well, your ad..I’m going to be honest I responded as a joke because I suspected it to be a fake. Really mate...drug friendly is not something you need to disclose in the ad.” 

“Then why did you plan this meeting?”   
“You did.”  
“I just asked when,”  
“I’m just pulling your leg Remus. Want to know the truth?” He threw his hands on the table; they were intertwined with each other but separated to grab Remus’. Remus’ eyes lit up and he nodded. 

“Your voice changed things for me.” He let go of the other boy’s hands and sat back in his chair, tipping the front legs up. His hands moved to support the back of his head.

“My boyfriend and I, we just broke up.” His chair fell and his hands followed.

“I’m sorry.” Was all Remus could choke out.

“Oh mate it’s a blessing!” Sirius’ face quickly lightened, “He couldn’t handle my ‘personality,’” He spoke using air quotations, “and we just kind of, stopped. There was no official break up, I just started looking for places and you called and that’s where it stopped.” 

“A blessing... I’m..glad?” Remus shrugged his shoulders and rubbed the hair on the back of his neck. 

“Remus Lupin, you are a blessing. So anyway, when do I get to see this drug friendly, large mammal exclusive bachelor pad?” Sirius stood and shoved the chair behind him. 

“Well com’on!” And he was out the door.


	4. I Suppose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, darling, you will be good to me, won’t you? Because we’re going to have a strange life.”   
> ― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

“It’s just a little...this way...” Remus was out of breath, his hands on his knees and mouth wide open. 

“Well, when I said five minutes I wasn’t being very considerate huh?” Sirius chuckled but continued to speed walk down the block, 

“You didn’t disclose much information on the flat Remus Lupin. What kind of joint you runnin’?” Sirius turned around to see a much slower Remus struggling to catch up. For a man of his height and background, he was not very quick on his toes. 

Remus adjusted his posture and caught up to Sirius, “It’s got two bedrooms, one bath, the tiniest kitchen quite possibly known to man, and the living room, I suppose, is nice.” 

“You suppose? Not an interior designer I take it? You can make any shitty room presentable with the right color scheme and furniture combo.” Sirius talked with one hand usually on his hip and the other painting his speech with visuals. 

“Yeah.” Was all Remus replied. He watched as Sirius slowed to allow Remus to both catch up and lead in direction. The pair walked side by side until they reached the apartment. 

“This is the building, and the other tenants are real pieces of work.” Remus turned they key to the gate,

“Through this weird, like passageway corridor is my flat. Not many places around here where you can get first floor.”

Sirius looked around rather disapprovingly, “Well, most places don’t,”

“Look like this?” Remus arrived at his door and with one key turn they were in,

“Yeah I know,” One after the other, they entered the apartment and Remus kept talking, “I was just as shocked as you were back at the cafe, but for different reasons. For starters, most people who seem interested in this location are either out of prison, want to live near the prison for friends, or have some weird fetishes.” Remus placed they keys on the kitchen counter and made his way to the couch, “And even then, I rarely get people interested at all. I’d take prison goers if they’d take me, and this.” He waved his hand in the air.

“Well,” Sirius sat himself down on the other end of the couch, “I’ll take you.” He paused for a good moment, “And this.” He waved his hand in a similar pattern as Remus had done. 

“You aren’t serious?” 

“I am if you’re Remus.” 

Remus blushed and felt himself sinking into the cushions. The other boy smiled and tucked his hair behind his ears. They sat there for a moment, Sirius thinking and Remus watching him. 

“If it’s possible” Sirius spoke up, “and if I’m top on the waiting list, I’d like to move in with you Remus Lupin.” 

_There he goes again with the full name._ Remus’ insides fluttered. 

“Wh-when?” 

“Well, I don’t have a home at the moment and seeing as it’s convenient to have one, I suppose now? Now’s a good as time as ever.”

“You suppose?” Remus responded mockingly. 

“Yes smart ass, I suppose. Is that alright with you?” Sirius played with his thumbs; this was the first time he seemed nervous throughout the whole afternoon. 

“I suppose.” Sirius’ head jolted up, his eyes sinking,

“I’m only kidding!” Remus quickly clarified, “I’d love to have _the one and only_ Sirius Black occupying my other bedroom.” 

“That, that sounded weird but I’ll take it.” 

“Wonderful, do you need help moving stuff?” Remus stood, brushing his pant legs and adjusting himself to see a rather close Sirius in his face,

“Oh,” _Oh,_ Remus felt his muscles tighten and his chest expand as he struggled for a breath, 

“Sorry,” Sirius swiftly moved past Remus, the other boy’s heart slowing back to normal, “I was just walking over to see what was on the floor...” Sirius bent down and retrieved Remus’ copy of _A Farewell to Arms_. 

Sirius held it up with puzzled brows, 

“It’s my favorite book.” Remus’ voice went soft. 

“Oh, cool. Well you’re going to have to tell me about it, but I think I might head out, start packing you know?” 

“Yeah. Do you need help?” Remus asked again.

“No I think I’m alright, thank you though Remus.” Sirius walked past him towards the door, “Just past the passageway corridor and a left?” 

“Yes.” Remus smiled.

Sirius smiled too, “I’ll see you.”

“I’ll see you.”

The door shut behind the other boy and Remus felt himself growing weak in the knees. He sat himself back down on the couch. The only person who’d ever seemed curious in hearing Remus talking about his interests was Lily and even then he felt as if he bored her. This time, though, Sirius wanted Remus to talk about himself and what he loved and that was incomprehensible. 

Remus bent down to grab his book and began on the first chapter again, waiting for a call from Sirius Black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so bad at long chapters, I want to end everything on a soft note that reflects on the beginning of the chapter my apologies haha. I suppose... ;) I might have another chapter up this evening after work but don't hold me to my word. Any who, is anyone still reading this? I don't know but I hope you have a good afternoon, good evening and good night! :-)


	5. Going Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO!!! I doubt anyone is still reading this but I'd like to severely apologize for the 3 something month break. I know there hasn't been much established in this fic, so I'm not expecting much heart break, however I still feel awful for starting something and completely ending it. If you are reading this, then thank you so so much. I'm going to make it my second priority with updating this work (and maybe starting other short things, more smutty stuff perhaps ;) right below homework. College is just really rough and being a senior in high school as well as a college freshman is just insane!!! But excuses excuses, I'm putting my foot down. Anywho, here's some update :-)

Four days had passed and Remus’ phone remained silent. No calls. No texts. No notifications. Nothing. 

_Maybe he’s just figuring stuff out, like his relationship and stuff. They seemed rocky, but after all he did say it was over? I was the blessing... I dont, why am I so upset over this?_

Six days began to roll around the corner and Remus contemplated putting his ad back up online. No matter how many phone calls he had with Lily, he still felt like shit. She couldn’t answer any of his questions and was failing to soothe his anxiety. Had he scared him off? Was it him? Was it the location? Maybe it was because Remus was just...awkward?

_Then why did he seem so interested? Someone who plans shrugging you off and acting like they never met you doesn’t engage that heavily._

“You need to get out Remus.” 

“What?” The phone static drowned out Lily’s soft murmur, 

“You heard me. I love you and I’m always willing to help you but it’s never a bad thing to get out and meet people.” 

“I, I know. It’s just hard.” His right shoulder pressed the phone gently to his ear while his fingers drummed on his lap, 

“I might just go, grab a bite, pick up a new jumper...” 

“Like you need more jumpers.” There was a sly smile in her tone.

“I can meet up with you, if you’d like? Maybe sandwiches and tea?” Remus’ eyes lit up and his breathing grew heavy; spending time with anyone was always better than being alone to his own thoughts and self deprecating tendencies. 

“You go shopping on your own, because God knows if I’m there...let’s just say I’ll send you off with a new wardrobe.” She was always laughing at her own jokes.

“Alright, alright. I’ll just shoot you a message when I’m nearly done. The cafe around the corner from my flat, it’s got decent-”

“Sounds perfect Remus. Goodbye, safe travels.” 

“Goodbye.” Lily hung up first, leaving Remus with the soft hum of the dial tone in his right ear. 

_Right, I think what I’ve on now is...decent._ Remus checked himself over once more in the mirror by the front door, taking in his entire appearance. He wore an off-white, somewhat stained collared shirt underneath a raggedy old jumper. Stitched with red and brown threads, his jumper matched his musty maroon slacks. Beneath the folds around his ankles were brown loafers complimented with slightly lighter brown stripped socks. 

-

Walking down the cobbled walk, Remus noticed a large abundance of people strolling the streets. _What’s going on this afternoon?_ He thought to himself, _oh_ , he soon realized, _this is why Lily told me get out._

He neared the corner thrift store, just a block or two down from the cafe in which he was to meet Lily later. 

A chime signaling Remus’ entrance rang throughout the tiny second hand store, prompting a small, plump older woman to the front counter, 

“Hello!!! How can I-” She noticed the scars struck across his face immediately and her tone turned sour, “be of service, sir?” 

He felt her eyes moving across his face, starring at the roughed up bridge of his nose, his scarred left eye, and the portions of his also scarred neck left uncovered from his relaxed shirt collar. 

“I’ll be fine, just looking for some jumpers. The back, right?” He pointed towards the rear of the store, and began walking past before she could nod in agreement. 

His eyes trailed the racks, not even really looking for anything in particular. It was nice to get out, to take a breath of fresh air, but it always left him and everyone else uncomfortable. No matter how many sweaters he shoved his arms through, he couldn’t seem to shake the old woman’s voice from his mind, and the vision of her pupils widening in disgust or fear (he wasn’t quite sure of her emotions, he just understood they weren’t pleasant) at the sight of his scars. 

“Hello!!! How can I help you today?” The shrill words of the woman echoed towards the back of the store. Remus, curious as to who had entered the shop, crooked his head around a rack of trousers. No one was there. _Huh._ Remus turned his attention back to the pile of sweaters that lie stacked upon one another on the floor near his feet. _One, two, three._ He was crouched down, a slight crack emitting from his stiff joints, counting the jumpers he had picked out. _Jesus, they’re all the same. Where’s Lily when you need her, huh?_ He stood, the articles of clothing tucked under his left arm, with his wallet ready in his other hand. Right as he began pivoting around to head to the front counter and indure the virulent old woman once again, a pair of familiar hands placed themselves on Remus’ shoulders. 

“Hey.” Sirius’ jovial tone radiated throughout Remus’ body. Without having to turn around, he knew to whom the hands gripping his upper body belonged. 

Unexpectedly, anger filled the taller boy, and he quickly turned to face Sirius, 

“Hey? Nearly a week flies by and you somehow manage to wind up in the same store as myself and all you have is a ‘hey’? No calls, no messages?? You know I have a rent to pay and you’re really screwing my over by not addressing me!” During his speech, Remus had folded his arms and hovered over a now cowering Sirius. 

“Look, I know. I was an asshole, still am an asshole, but things, they’ve been wonky and I’d been meaning to call but after a few days passed I’d grown embarrassed.” The darker boy’s long knotted sable hair framed his face. Remus brought himself back, controlling his breathing by counting backwards under his breath.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me, and I completely understand if the offer is null and void but, there’s something here...like... I’d like to be your friend Remus Lupin.” It was Sirius who was now playing with his fingers, his head bowed down. 

There was silence, except for the soft humming coming from the shop keeper up front. 

Remus’ mind flooded with nearly every emotion at once. _He ignored all my messages, and lead me on. How can I trust him, living in my god damn house? But...did he fucking...bring back, the, the full name thing?_ Remus was stuttering in his own thoughts, _God dammit why does he do that, how! does he do that, it’s like he just, somehow, knows. Fuck._ His lips parted slowly, hesitance riddled on his face,

“I suppose.” 

The short boy rose his head, a smile crept in the corners of his mouth,

“Are you serious?” 

“No, you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY I HAD TO!!!! I love clichés with Sirius' name :-) I've done it like three times now I think. I'll try to town it down ;-)


End file.
